The Doctor is In!

Confused about sex w/ Ex vs new girlfriends

By moving on on Aug 22, 2013 at 6:06 AM

Been going thru a divorce for 2 years now. Was married for 15 yrs. Anyway, I've noticed that when I've been with new women, I seem to last much longer than I ever did with my wife. I also don't seem to maintain erection the whole time, which probably is the reason for lasting longer. This has happened with 2 different women, both of whom I've been very attracted to. Luckily it hasn't been an issue for them because I'm an open and affectionate lover...and I always do what I need to do to make sure they enjoy themselves. Many times, I don't even achieve orgasm.

A few months ago, I had sex with my soon to be ex and tho it was kind of strange and cold and not very exciting, I didn't last very long and I actually had an orgasm.

Why is it that I was able to finish with a woman who treated me so poorly for so many years even though the sex was kind of robotic and routine, but with my new girlfriend who is young, exciting and very sexy...I'm not able to?

Am I still hung up on my ex?

1 reply

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT | Aug 27, 2013 at 1:21 PM | Reply | Report

You may want to discuss these issues with a therapist, who would be able to work with you on psychological underpinnings if your sexual issues, which is difficult to do without deeper conversation. But I'm a bit confused: you're lasting longer, but you're losing your erection mid-way? Does that mean you're ejaculating sooner than you would like? But you also said you're not reaching orgasm in many cases, so I'm not sure of the issue. Certainly new relationships can be both exciting and stress inducing, so perhaps you're experiencing some anxiety that is resulting in sexual issues. With your ex wife, perhaps the sex is familiar and follows a more known script, hence you're able to reach a conclusion.

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