The Doctor is In!

What is the best way for a woman to introduce a sex toy

By Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT on May 11, 2016 at 5:36 AM

to a guy? And what if you're both anxious about it?

14 replies

Markp | May 11, 2016 at 2:56 PM | Reply | Report

If you are BOTH anxious about it, why are you doing it?

Kate McCombs, MPH | May 12, 2016 at 8:20 AM | Reply | Report

It's be natural to feel a bit apprehensive before you try something new in your sex life. We can feel nervous when trying new things in general, and things that are sex-related can feel even more high-stakes. But once you can address that anxiety, and move past it, you can nurture lots of fun, new types of pleasure.

Here's an article I wrote recently that addresses this issue in greater depth. I think it'll answer many of your questions. Feel free to reply if you have more questions about introducing your partner to sex toys.

Flying Lotus | Jun 4, 2016 at 6:47 PM | Reply | Report

What are you anxious about?

Rocknrollah6ur1 | Jun 21, 2016 at 2:34 PM | Reply | Report

I remember that when I wanted a vibrator I was nervous to announce it to my husband. Mostly for fear he would feel intimidated or look at me differently but when we actually spoke about it he was really into it and loved the idea of us exploring his together. Now we have the most amazing sex and we have a bunch of toys we make it a point to try everything we want together and to voice suggestions or if something is working or not working sexually to satisfy us. We have been together 5 yrs have 3 kids and have sex better than when we just started out. Voice your concerns if there are any. Bring it up casually and go from there. Best thing you can do is relax and take it little by little and start off with small things then work your way up. Start with a cock ring or a finger massager then move up to bigger vibrators fildos and what not. Just have fun. It's worked out great for us.

CE | Jul 1, 2016 at 5:35 PM | Reply | Report

My suggestion would be to talk about it first to make sure you both want the same thing and what you want from your toy. Then buy just one and try it. My guess is you will both like using it and eventually will buy more. That's how my husband and I started. First it was a dildo and now we're on to many variations. To us, toys add to our sex and turn both of us on. My vibrator and dildo are great when my husband isn't in the mood. Start with something inexpensive in case you don't like it.

SecretsToShare | Jul 3, 2016 at 12:35 PM | Reply | Report

I think it's a great way to spice up a sex life - alone or with a partner. Sometimes a little self-confidence needs to be boosted but just present it as an addition to what you already have not as a filler to something missing. Once you start experimenting together, the possibilities are endless and so so fun !!!

peaces of jane | Jul 26, 2016 at 4:57 PM | Reply | Report

Roughly 2 decades ago, in my early twenties, I picked up my guy "friend", Fred, from the airport. Drove him to directly to a sex shop, handed him $50 and said "Get whatever you want... I am staying in the car!"

He thinks fondly of that moment 20 years later.
I was blunt and to the point. I have no recollection of my thought process in my actions. Over the years I lost or tossed the toys. Fred still likes toys. Now, we shop on Amazon.

Chris | Aug 2, 2016 at 11:31 PM | Reply | Report

Depends on whether it's already purchased or not. We bought our first toys online together. The process of getting them together helped create some excitement for when they arrived.

If it's already purchased (and being used) - I would say the best way to introduce it is to show the guy how you like to use it. I find it hard to imagine that most men would have an issue with that!

roadstar | Sep 13, 2016 at 5:48 AM | Reply | Report

This is an interesting topic as all discussions on the site are. I think when couples talk about sex especially desires and new things there is a risk for judgment by either partner. I would love it my wife wanted to try a toy. I would have no problem with it. I had mentioned it a while ago and received a lot negative feedback from her. So, I think if couples wanted to try a toy (or anything new), go ahead. Enjoy. My wife and I have been married 39 years. Without new things or discussion about sexual desires, sex can get boring. I know. I have been bored for the past 38 years.

Amormio | Nov 12, 2016 at 6:54 AM | Reply | Report

Openess in a relationship is always good - for example notaboos in the conversation with your partner. Getting there though is always a challenge. Dont steam straight in with a bigtoy though!!!
Just sound them out a bit to see how they my respond. If negative you may be in th ewrong relationship. Find somebody else. !!!!

JoeFL | Jan 11, 2017 at 10:45 AM | Reply | Report

Funny thing is that I was the one who introduced sex toys. I believe that we are all responsible for our own orgasms and if it takes a vibrator, dildo or some other sex toy, I have no problem with that. My wife bought a vibrator for the first time at the age of 64. I have been buying them for her and her girlfriend since she was 21. I always keep a few in the night table. One for my wife and a few for guests.

I do know men who are threatened by sex toys. They feel it is a message that they are not good enough in bed to satisfy their woman. For women married to men like that I think it is best to introduce sex toys as an extension of sex rather than as a replacement. Present them as wanting to spice up your sex life and get him some sex toys too.

giadora | Feb 5, 2017 at 8:43 PM | Reply | Report

I agree, the anxiety for me was overwhelming because I didn't want to hurt my previous partner's feelings. As much as I wanted to use a vibrator when I was having sex with my previous partner, he said that it made him feel like he "wasn't enough." I wish I had explained wanting to use toys does not mean the person is not "enough", but I as well as many other women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm most of the time. I wish I would have continued the discussion and sought answers like you are doing.

gpc2012 | Feb 13, 2017 at 4:58 PM | Reply | Report

I think that it's something that shold be discussed and possibly even purchased together, if the woman finds and or want's one for solo use more power to her and all she needs to do is let her SO know she's getting another for herself. If she want's to bring it into play with both then fantastic.

sarahb | Apr 17, 2017 at 3:50 AM | Reply | Report

Hi, I'm confused about the question. Introduce a sex toy to whom? and for whom? I think the real answer varies on whether you are male and trying to get your female partner interested or vice versa.

For example, it would be a lot different buying a bullet vibrator for your wife versus a butt plug for your husband when you have never discussed any of these things!

Just my opinion.

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