The Doctor is In!

Husband refuses to have sex

By Mrs frustrated on Jan 5, 2017 at 4:06 PM

I have been married to my husband for 30 years. We are both 60 years old. For the last 20 years, my sex drive has been much higher than my husband's. Last year, he informed me that he no longer has any desire for sex and, therefore, it will no longer be a part of our marriage. He says he loves me but just doesn't want to have sex with anyone anymore. He thinks that his lack of desire is due to stress at work and his concern about our children. He is healthy and doesn't take any medications. He also refuses to go to a doctor to find out what the problem might be, or to see a sex and/or marital therapist. Meanwhile, I think about sex almost every hour and am very frustrated. I have lots of toys but I need more. Is it okay for me to secretly seek sexual pleasure from another man if it is strictly for physical release? I just don't think I can go the rest of my life without sex!

3 replies

Kate McCombs, MPH | Jan 6, 2017 at 9:25 PM | Reply | Report

What a challenging situation. I can see why you are frustrated. Have you and your husband ever spoken about a consensual non monogamy situation? Like an open marriage? Where you sleep with other men, but with his consent? I agree that it's reasonable that you want sex even though he doesn't, but ideally, it wouldn't happen behind his back.

Mrs frustrated | Jan 9, 2017 at 11:05 AM | Reply | Report

No, we haven't spoken about an open marriage. I fear that it will lead to the end of our marriage. He is typically very jealous.I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place (excuse the pun!) I will probably take the chance of having a discreet affair and see what happens.

Forrest | Jan 13, 2017 at 3:55 PM | Reply | Report

I see this quite often as a therapist, and here is how it works, what you think, creates how you feel, if he is feeling stress, that would overwhelm his thought patterns to react a certain way, but at the end of the day, he is still a man, and if he had urges up until stress kicked in, then somewhere inside we can trigger a positive response. Now, my suggestion, is to look for a sexual hypnosis video on youtube, and play it as back ground music, when he ask, what is this your listening to, just state that it is something to stimulate the mind, play as often as possible, it will grow in his subconscious thoughts, and he will start thinking of those wonderful evenings that you shared with him.

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