The Doctor is In!

Wife not really interested

By dook on Jan 5, 2017 at 3:30 AM

Hi All,

I've been together with my wife since we were kids so have only had sex with each other. Sex has always been fine from my perspective and my wife is happy enough to do it. Though I've always had a odd feeling, like she is doing it as a favour to me.

For many years I thought that this was the norm for men and womens attitude to sex. The thing is that as I've gotten older I've realised that most other couples do way more 'cool' stuff in bed. My wife doesn't really ever even do oral sex, and when she has, only for about 2 minutes.

She never instigates sex, and just never seems to desire me like I would hope.

I always make sure she has at least two orgasms before I even think of having mine. I always ask her what she might like and I go down on her when she will let me.

I'm just asking if im being unreasonable wanting more (sex/to be desired).

Even if I spell all this out to her, I can't force her to desire me, even though I work out at the gym/run/take care of my appearance.

2 replies

Kate McCombs, MPH | Jan 6, 2017 at 9:22 PM | Reply | Report

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want more, but it's also not unreasonable for your wife to not want to do more. It might just be that you're incompatible in how adventurous you are sexually. Or you both may be at a crossroads where you could start some conversations that could open up some new possibilities. Do you and your wife ever talk about sex?

Desire, especially for most women, is about more than just your physical experience. Good on you for working out and taking care of yourself, but from talking to lots of heterosexual women about what turns them on, it's about more than just that. It's often about feeling desired, feeling partnered, and feeling inspired.

One of our resident experts wrote a book that may interest you.

dook | Jan 7, 2017 at 4:10 AM | Reply | Report

Thank you for the reply, great advice. I'll check out that book.

We do speak about sex, but I suppose she is happy with the way it is. The real catch 22 about the situation is that I find it a massive turn off if I think that she is not enjoying something or just doing something because she feels like she has to, which is partly why I've not really asked for oral sex. I would never take pleasure in her discomfort/disdain, so neither of us would be happy doing anything more than we do now (for different reasons).

Thank you again, I'll give it some more thought

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