The Doctor is In!

lack of intimacy in the bedroom

By Jen on Feb 11, 2017 at 4:28 PM

Hi I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years with a man. I am trying to make things work after having found out about his online and physical infidelity which lasted a good part of the relationship. He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and even proposed marriage. I really want to be intimate with him but he has really stopped making love to me. When he does I feel like it is because he feels he has to once a week. It is not satisfactory. The topic is hard to discuss he say nothing is wrong with me....something is wrong, I am trying hard to trust him. I am feeling very frustrated and alone. Thank you

8 replies

Kate McCombs, MPH | Feb 11, 2017 at 6:04 PM | Reply | Report

This sounds like a very unsatisfying and unsustainable relationship dynamic. I'm wondering if you are just seeking permission to leave it? People can heal from affairs, but the lack of communication surrounding it does not bode well for your ongoing connection and happiness.

Is there a specific question you have that we can help you out with?

Jen | Feb 11, 2017 at 8:19 PM | Reply | Report

How do I begin a conversation about my needs without accusing him . I am not looking to blameving anyone for anything I need to find a way to show him that I care and I care enough about myself to want the best for me too. It does feel like I am giving the relationship one last chance.

Jen | Feb 12, 2017 at 11:10 AM | Reply | Report

I need to talk about it with him how do I broach the subject without it sounding like I just want sex. I want to be with him..I don't want to whine or accuse or blame ..I need to be able to be close to the person I love how do I begin the conversation?

giadora | Feb 12, 2017 at 11:31 AM | Reply | Report

When you say the topic is hard to discuss, it sounds like he is not taking the situation seriously at all. The fact that you get the impression he is treating sex with you this way says something, but this can improve.
I was with someone I didn't trust and it hurt and stressed me out everyday. I forced myself to become less jealous and he still made me feel like he was not committed to a healthy relationship and sex life. I finally put my foot down and overcame his aggressive way he discredited my feelings and observations. I left him because he was not willing to be more considerate.
I think him refusing to communicate openly and come to resolutions means you need to be more firm and put your foot down about his attitude problem. Hopefully he realizes that you have to heal from his infidelity, and that openness and a healthy sex life benefit you both greatly.

Jen | Feb 13, 2017 at 11:04 AM | Reply | Report

How do I introduce the conversation, I need words please.

giadora | Feb 14, 2017 at 11:10 PM | Reply | Report

I would be firm and tell him to stop holding back in the bedroom and with his feelings. I might suggest you spoil him and coo him into being a cuddly teddy bear but 2 1/2 years is a long time of this bologne. I am so curious to know what has him so uninterested in having a flourishing sex-life with you.

Kate McCombs, MPH | Feb 15, 2017 at 2:04 AM | Reply | Report

You may find sex educator Reid Mihalko's "Difficult Conversation Formula" helpful.

Jen | Feb 15, 2017 at 11:59 AM | Reply | Report

I have begun to talk to him keeping things light I was teasing him online this morning about it. I can't understand why he can't talk about things. When I found out about the infidelity he lied and then I found proof and he was forced to admit it. I did ask questions to try and understand , I was upset but more then anything I just wanted to understand and I think I have been reasonable...he won't talk about anything, I feel like I am bothering him every time I start to speak almost like he is afraid of what I might say. There is no conversation I am afraid of there is nothing I wouldn't try to discuss so I can't understand. I do spoil him terribly , he is very well taken care of in every aspect, and I have never not once been cold in the bedroom. He keeps turning away from me during sex or turning me around so we are facing the same direction I feel like he is avoiding me in every way possible. I love being with him we work well together.

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