The Doctor is In!

starting to loose control

By scinty on Apr 11, 2017 at 9:34 PM

I suffered a lot from stress at work until I recently retired (I’m only 57 but in a fortunate financial position). In the last year or two prior to my retirement my sex life with my wife had virtually ceased, but was slowly returning in retirement. After 2 months retirement I went on a lads skiing holiday which had a peculiar effect on me. Brilliant sunshine and a very adrenalin inducing experience. I consumed a huge amount of alcohol and had a great time. Whilst away I abstained from masturbation/sex. I felt a lot of pent up sexual desire and had some of the best sex with my wife on my return. So what’s not to like? Well my sex drive now seems to have taken on a life of its own. I’m still having good sex with my wife but have also got into late night porn which my wife is unaware of and have visited a strip club with a male friend (which she was OK with), but I was thinking of going again on my own and not telling her which would not be good. I am concerned any advice would be welcome

2 replies

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Kate McCombs, MPH | Apr 12, 2017 at 8:29 AM | Reply | Report

It sounds extremely understandable that after retiring from your stressful job and having some decompressing experiences, your sex drive would enhance. It's possible that in the increased intensity of it, and after a long period of drought, you're experiencing a desire for newness and exploration. It all sounds quite normal.

I'm wondering what exactly about what's happening is making you think you're "losing control"? Is the porn watching getting in the way of your responsibilities? Is it interfering with your connection with your wife?

I wonder if there's some unnecessary shame wrapped up in the pent up sexual desire you describe. Lots of people look at porn at night and it doesn't mean they are "losing control." It becomes a point of concern if it's blurring into other aspects of their lives.

I agree that it would not be good to lie about the strip club. I'm curious why you feel you need to hide these things from her when she was OK with you visiting it the first time?

scinty | Apr 14, 2017 at 10:27 AM | Reply | Report

You are very observant. Some more background – I am an only child, my mother was very much an old school disciplinarian and my father had always wanted a daughter. I was never abused or badly treated – in fact quite the opposite, but sexual matters were very difficult and it lead to a great deal of conflict, embarrassment and damage for me as I was growing up. Any significant sexual adventures had to be kept hidden. Also from as early as I can remember I got pleasure from seeing women in pain. I hate to say it and intellectually I find it abhorrent, but I'm stuck with it - just as people are stuck with arachnophobia or liking chocolate. I have never and would never treat a woman badly in any way in real life. I deal with it by accepting consensual fantasy is OK if its kept hidden. I have never told my wife about this, its just too difficult / dangerous. Concerning the strip club the issues revolve around cost and what is hidden in the phrase "it's OK because you can't touch the women"

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