Infidelity and the Emotional Aftermath

Posted by Ian Kerner April 04, 2011

Emotions run rampant after disclosure of an affair and many people aren't able to get a grip on themselves, let alone what the future of the relationship holds. It's best in these times to adopt a wait-and-see approach.

In her book Not "Just Friends" Dr. Shirley Glass recommends that a couple wait three months before making a final decision about the relationship. Feelings of ambivalence and uncertainty are common in the weeks after the discovery of infidelity, and they can cloud both partners' commitment to the relationship.

Rather than feeling like you have to reach a conclusion quickly--especially amid so much confusion--start working towards repairing the relationship and give yourselves three months to get your bearings.

8 strategies to regain trust after infidelity

The days and weeks after an admission of infidelity are among the most vulnerable and disorienting a betrayed partner will ever feel. It's up to the person who strayed to re-establish a basic sense of safety and trust immediately, if the relationship is to be salvaged:

• Tell the affair partner the relationship is over.

• Make a clean break from the affair partner. This includes all email, phone and face-to-face contact. You cannot be friends.

• If you work together, limit interactions and conversations to be strictly business.
• Agree to share with your partner any unexpected encounters or additional communication with the affair partner. Volunteer the information, instead of waiting to see if your partner will find out.

• Be accountable for your whereabouts, by saying where you are going and what time you will be home. It may feel overbearing at first, but it is essential to rebuilding trust.

• Avoid settings that could lead to temptation or inappropriate behavior, such as happy hours, and events with lots of single people or friends who are bad influences.
• Agree to tell each other your deepest thoughts, feelings and desires, and no one else.

• Commit yourself to your relationship. Or, if you're feeling unsure of things at the moment, commit yourself to your commitment.